hump day

Got jokes? Maybe a video of Darwin Award candidates? Put 'em here. This is the place for all those funny films, silly stories and twisted tales that give you a grin. (*** disclaimer: Darwinism is not endorsed and, while laughable, should be debunked - see Creation v Evolution below)
hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

hump day

Post#1 » Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:38 pm

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

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A fire started in a pasture near a farm in eastern North Carolina. The fire department from a nearby city was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the city fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.

Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.

The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. "That should be obvious," responded the captain. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that there fire truck."

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girlfriend wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you—please keep your photo and return the others."

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey!" she said, "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "there isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

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Instructions on how to clean a cat:

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/4 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

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MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

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The American Farmer and Business Owner

A man owned a small farm in Alabama. The Alabama Wage and Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
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Here's a few. I wish the pics on e-mails showed uup, because there's a terrific pictured of a huge bull for the first one.

The Power of a Badge . . .















DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.




The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"







The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.







A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .











With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . .




"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"



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JUST a GOOD Laugh !



A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some butt-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he ..........added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got
yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their
feet here. Where are you from, son?"
" Texas , sir." the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Texas ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."
"Really?" said the manager "My wife is from Texas ."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"



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Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby..
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"cuz he'd be screwed if he needed glasses".

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