Tuesdays funnies

Got jokes? Maybe a video of Darwin Award candidates? Put 'em here. This is the place for all those funny films, silly stories and twisted tales that give you a grin. (*** disclaimer: Darwinism is not endorsed and, while laughable, should be debunked - see Creation v Evolution below)
hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

Tuesdays funnies

Post#1 » Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:49 pm

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrased, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check and see if my testicles are black."

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There is nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, listen very, very closely...........................

"ARE - MY - TEST - RESULTS - BACK?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
>
> HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
>
> THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
>
> HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
>
> BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
>
> MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
>
>
> BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him!!!

NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy ***)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place ?

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

BIRTHDATE: February 29 EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

! REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MA Y WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warning!!!!!!!

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it.

It could contain a virus.

***********************************************


If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it.

It could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.


'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.
'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it With butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.'


Jim agrees and the two say good-bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco.'




Wait for it ............






Wait ...........



You know it's coming .....













Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed.'

Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!


MORAL OF THE STORY: You gotta follow the recipe' & Men don't listen!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mexican mountain
> Oysters
>
> A
> big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
> roaming around in
> Mexico.
>
> While
> sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
> looking platter being
> served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the
> smell was wonderful.
>
>
> He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just
> served?'
>
> The waiter
> replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
> called Cojones de Toro,
> bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
> delicacy!'
>
> The
> cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an
> order.'
>
>
> The
> waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one
> serving per day because
> there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come
> early and place your
> order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
>
> The next morning, the
> cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was
> served the one and only
> special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting
> his platter, he
> called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious,
> but they are much, much
> smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
>
> The waiter shrugged his
> shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
>
> Sometimes
> the bull wins.
*****
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .
*****
The Economy Is So Bad...

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names

A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico

The most highly-paid job is now jury duty

People in Africa are donating money to Americans

Motel Six can’t afford to leave the light on

The Mafia is laying off judges

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, neat...the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $750 billion disappear

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