A few funnies

Got jokes? Maybe a video of Darwin Award candidates? Put 'em here. This is the place for all those funny films, silly stories and twisted tales that give you a grin. (*** disclaimer: Darwinism is not endorsed and, while laughable, should be debunked - see Creation v Evolution below)
hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

A few funnies

Post#1 » Mon Feb 09, 2009 5:49 pm

Ben and Jerry's is coming out with an unbelievable new ice cream in
honor of the messiah, who was just sworn in last week as our
President. It is being churned in Washington DC and appropriately
being named:
Baracky Road ----half chocolate and half vanilla surrounded by fruits and nuts

******
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,

DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.


This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA....

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS

******
'GETTIN' OLD'

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel,
do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you
saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'



When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'



An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up
and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't
find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise
that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks
went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir,
sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean
We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and
in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a
ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again
carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the
husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park
bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She
said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every
morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and
freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies
and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my
favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

******
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.

This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. 'I did it Daddy.'

'And what happened honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of
the back window and into the swimming pool.But I guess he didn't know that you took out
the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool?

***Even Longer Pause***

OOPs... Is this 486-5731?'

hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

Post#2 » Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:44 pm

FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on

their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was

connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian

Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a

dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband

scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a

convenience store , a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab

or a motel in the United States .

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones

and provide us with technical advice.

+++++
Grammar Lesson

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.

'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walks away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

+++++
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ... '

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's
face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story.......

'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.'

Mummy fainted!...

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!

+++++
As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country. The deceased would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man I did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played with all my heart and soul.
As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: From "Rowan Tree" and "The Lord is my Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest".
I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "My Goodness, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years!"

+++++
Silent Fart


An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through the service, she leaned over and said to her husband,
' I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?'

He replied, ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest