Funnies

Got jokes? Maybe a video of Darwin Award candidates? Put 'em here. This is the place for all those funny films, silly stories and twisted tales that give you a grin. (*** disclaimer: Darwinism is not endorsed and, while laughable, should be debunked - see Creation v Evolution below)
hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

Funnies

Post#1 » Wed Jul 30, 2008 2:24 pm

A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.

He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right."

The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left"

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine.

He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice.

But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots.

See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop.

Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance.

It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way. "

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other is running for President."

****
Charlie was tired of just sitting around the house after he retired from the Air Force so he applied for a 'Greeter' job at Wal-Mart.

After several days on the job, the boss called him into the office and said, "Charlie, you do very good work and I really like your attitude, but you come in late every day, five, ten or fifteen minutes late. I hope you can correct this because I don't want to fire you."

Charlie replied, "Boss, I am working on it and hope to have it corrected shortly."

The boss said, "Charlie I know you are retired from the Air Force, what did they say when you came in late?.

Charlie said, "They said, 'morning General, do you want coffee or tea today?'"

****
*On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked
from his bunk on the ground floor of the Alamo up to the observation
post on the west wall.

Col. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Jim, are
we landscaping today?"



*A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!'

What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me I'm
celebrating.

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer
asked, 'What are you celebrating?

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer, and for years
all
my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence...'



*In response to a number of complaints that FOX News doesn't show enough
Black and Hispanic people on the network, FOX has announced that they will
now air 'America's Most Wanted' TWICE a week.
****
IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was
that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we
had the largest one Sears made at that time, a ½ horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you
need a ¼ horsepower.’ I responded that ½ was larger than ¼. He said, ‘NO, it’s not.’ Four is larger than two.’


We haven’t used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s
take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘You gave me too much money.’ I
said, ‘Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and
hehanded me back the quarter, and said I owed $4.25
and he was sorry but they could not do that kind
of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me
back $1.75 in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD’s.



IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer
are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think
this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore.’

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered
a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate
when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To
which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded,
‘That’s why we ask’

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s
safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually-challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
explained that it signals blind people when the light is
red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are
blind people doing driving?!’

She was a probation officer in Wichita KS


IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
coworker.
She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word
was spoken. We all just looked at each other with
that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the sake of her
life, couldn’t understand why her system would not
turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office,
no less.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched
from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it's open!’
His reply,
‘I know. I already got that side.’

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,
Mississippi


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that
they VOTE, THEY DRIVE and they REPRODUCE!

****
Union Rules & Hookers----
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check
out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
'Is this a union house?'
'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn 't.'
'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street
In search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued
Until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, 'Why
Yes, sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.'
The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'
'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'
'That's more like it!' the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly
attractive blonde.
'I'd like her,' he said.
'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured
To a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years
Seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'

*****
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step
into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his
way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly
reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser”. To test her theory
the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs,
then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God,
HAND LOTION TOO!"

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