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Got jokes? Maybe a video of Darwin Award candidates? Put 'em here. This is the place for all those funny films, silly stories and twisted tales that give you a grin. (*** disclaimer: Darwinism is not endorsed and, while laughable, should be debunked - see Creation v Evolution below)
hangman
Acolyte
Posts: 1087

Assorted

Post#1 » Wed May 14, 2008 5:58 pm

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas. It really doesn't bother me too much because my farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent.. stink terribly".

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

*****
LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was walking up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

*****
Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'


One week later, The'Newport Daily Independent', a local newspaper in Arkansas reported the following:

'After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Jacksonport in Jackson County Bubba
Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless.'

*****
A young blonde woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end
her life by throwing herself into the East River. She went down to the
docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young
sailor saw her on the edge of the pier, crying.

He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to Hawaii in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.'

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, 'I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy.' The girl nodded yes. After
all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give
her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece
of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
Captain. 'What are you doing here?' the Captain asked.

'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get food
and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me.'

'He certainly is.' the Captain said. 'This is the Staten Island Ferry.'

*****
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, "did you see me rob the bank".
The hostage answers "yes".
The robber, promptly, shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, "no, but my wife did".

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